Porno!

I wonder how many hits I'll get with this headline....

Some books are quite hard to read. Imagine travelling in Eastern Europe with a book screaming 'Porno', supported by the picture of a doll on the front cover. Aye, it's no jist eny doll, it's wan ay thae dolls, ken. How can you read the book in any pubic place at all? Even at home I was keeping it discreetly laid down, until the cleaning lady at her last outing placed it face up beside my bed. The right place fur it, ah s'pose.

Why am ah writn' like that? Ah fun, ken, that ah aways tawk n think like the book what ah'm jist readn, man....can have unfortunate consequences, like, but. It's Irvine Welsh's follow-on from 'Trainspotting', involving the same gang of guys, in the same part of Embra, Leith. What's changed, apart from the fact that at Trainspotting time I had not lived in Leith, and now I have. I don't much care for the most violent guy in the book moving into a flat just aroon the corner from my flat.....

Cannae mind much aff trainspotting, like, but this time the guys, who drift together in the course of the book, get together to make a porn film. 'Tis not difficult in Leith....My flat was just down the road from a sauna. In Embra saunas are a discreet way of providing sex, and probably quite safe for the sex workers. Ah kent that wur sauna wiz in the trade, what with the girls hawning oot the towels to the laundry van wearing clothes that spoke of a severe fabric shortage and of an ambition to loose much more weight.

Aw wur heroes are in the book, ken. There's violent and seriously paranoid Begbie, jist outta jail, Spud also outta jail and trying to get it thegither with his burd and their bairn (in Embra they are bairns, in Glasgow they are weans), quite apart fae writn a book on historic Leith - which sadly is rejected. Sick Boy buys a pub, Renton (that nice Gregor McEwan) hides oot in the Dam (Amsterdam) on account of that Begbie wants to kill him (and anyone else), but some middle-class burdz (students) also get a look-in. Wan ay the burdz, while being a student, also works in a sauna ('tis not unheard of in Embra, pays for a nice life-style but).

The book is very funny, and pathetic, and wonderfully written, with each ae the characters having their own way ay tawkn. The only wan who's writing is a bit boring is Nikki, the student who works in the sauna - and mebbe she's a bit of a boring person tae, like. They aye tell the story fae their ain viewpoints, n so ye never ken immediately who is daein the tawkin, like. Their minds are spinning, mostly due to the coke (or ching or charlie). Some have tried to give it up like, but not succeeded but. Others have not tried.

The language maks the book also hard tae read, because you want to really savour the Scoats language used, ken. Here's Spud, the failed writer, tawkn: 'Wee Curtis is pure celebratin n aw cause eh's been in some orgy wi they lassies fir this film thit Sick Boy's makin now. A pure dinnnae like tae think aboot Ali working in that pub wi aw thaim aroond thaire. Sometimes ah think aboot him tryin to get hur involved, git her intae aw that, n ma blood just goes pure cauld.'

Imagine proof-reading that! It's funny how none ay the characters are particularly likeable; wi most o them ye'd no want to have onything tae dae wi them, like. You'd want tae cross the road if ye saw them coming but. Though there are wan or twae you feel a bit sorry for, like yon ultra-violent Begbie (though you could no get through tae him tae sort him oot, like). N wee Spud with his literary ambishuns, his attempts to go straight n his love for his pussy cawed Zappa.

Did ah mention the book was aboot a porn film? 'Seven rides for seven brothers'. You could nae mak it up! N it's the unsexiest book ah've ever read - take the love outta sex and it's jist a transaction.

It's great, but it's no for the likes ay thows who cannae unnerstawn the Scoats tung; they'll niver get the book, but. There's also plenty of violence in it, the way a usual Friday evening goes in the UK, not just in Leith, and of course the sex. If you can can deal with all three, it's brilliant, ken?